Random thoughts (really needing to just get stuff off of my chest....)

Friday, December 28, 2007


So have you ever heard of a dog having Lupus? Well, Madchen was diagnosed today with it. Not sure what it means but I just know my dog has lupus.

Not sure what to expect tomorrow.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Calmer now..

Things have settled down a bit. Jeff still has high b/p and Veda is still questioning but we are dealing better with it. Jeff continues to take his two medications a day and we will wait and see. He is calling the spine surgeon today to try and schedule yet another appointment with him (I guess you have a certain protocol you have to follow (several appointments) before they will do the surgery). He continues to do PT but doesn't feel that much better.
Veda had a great Christmas. There have been several times over the past days that we have spent time just hugging- even crying at times. Still questioning me but not sitting me down at the kitchen table to do it. It is much more relaxed. I asked her if she wanted to go back to a therapist and she said yes. Now I am debating on if I should take her back to the same one we went to a year or so ago or find someone new.
We spent time with my mom and dad and are finally home. We have a few more places to go and that overwhelms me a bit. I am feeling the need to hunker at home and take care of some long awaited projects- cleaning... Things you don't normally get a chance to do when you are a working mom.
My family decided to donate money to for the holidays rather than exchange gifts. What a fun thing. I am glad that I didn't come home with a bunch of stuff I didn't need.

So loved his first Christmas. Veda got AG doll itty bitty babies from Santa as where so got a rocking bug. We had a great time with both of our families. We had to reschedule with Tad's family so we go up there on Sunday.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Looking up..

So Jeff still has a high B/P and it is still a big issue but we are feeling a little less scared about it. Dr. B just wants us to wait for a bit and let the medicine soak in... I think we both slept a bit last night.

Jeff did make it to work today so he is feeling OK enough to do that. Good thing because he is scheduled to work the next 3 days.

I am officially on holiday break!! Well, I have an office party for a few hours today but you really can't count that as work. Eating and laughing is holiday to me.

So and I are enjoying the morning together. We are doing laundry, getting out the vacuum and hopefully getting to that present room upstairs to get wrapping!!

Here is my wish for the new year... I wish I could be home with my kids. I do love my job. I just love my kids A LOT MORE!!

Finally I am getting the holiday spirit. Took awhile this year.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Rember when being high was fun??

I remember the days... high was fun. Now that I am an adult it takes on a totally different meaning. Now it refers to my husbands blood pressure. I was listening to NPR on the way in this morning and they were talking about the new generation of "emerging adults aged 18-25"... when did I leave that group?! I can't believe that we are middle aged. This whole incident has made me realize that no longer are the days of being young- we are in the mid of our life.... I am going out to by my red HUMMER or Corvette later today.

Jeff's BP is still high. He is going to therapy for his back today and will hopefully get in to see Dr. B again to discuss more options. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you- last night after my first post we ended up calling Dr. B b/c his B/p was 160/98(ish) and he was feeling really symptomatic- light headed, dizzy, headache. He ended up prescribing yet a second medication for him. I went out and got it and that seemed to help a bit. But here we are today- with F***** high blood pressure.

I am trying not to freak out but I have to be honest... my armpits are sweaty. Really sweaty! I am trying really hard not to let Jeff know that I am worried. That would only make him more upset/worried.

On a good note- we are still a happy family. So and Veda are both healthy- physically....

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The last 24 hours.... ARE YOU KIDDING?!

So it begins with Veda, Jeff and myself having a conversation about Tad. Over the past 2-3 weeks Jeff and I have both noticed that she has been much more preoccupied with Tad and his death. More tears. More questions. More "I wish he was here". Well, last night she had lots of questions. Quite a few that left me without breath to answer. "How did it happen?" "What was broken?" "Why can't he come back?" These questions were asked with much more intensity last night. Not just the passing "Where is he?" Thank God I had Jeff there with me. I kept whispering "help me, help." And of course, he did.

Then she says... "My brain is separated into four parts. One part is happy, one is kind of happy, one is MAD and one is sad. When I think about Daddy Tad I am in the sad part. But it's like I am swirling around." WHAT!? Are you kidding me that a 6 year old is talking like this! Shit I need therapy. I need to know how to go about this.

She continues to tell us that she lies in bed some nights thinking about the accident. She has made up this whole scene in her head. What she has made up consists of a stop light, Tad and another car. This is not what happened and I explained that to her. She just wants to know more and I don't know how vague we should be. Telling her that "It was just a bad accident" is not working anymore. She wanted to know what was broken on his body and what he looked like.


So then this morning I am getting ready to leave for work and I get a call from Jeff. He is in the ER at his place of employment. Not working- A PATIENT!! His blood pressure sky rocketed to something like 210/115. And it was there for awhile. Needless to say we spend the morning there and then we proceeded to go to Dr. B's. Now Jeff is on medication and we bought a blood pressure cuff to keep here at the house. We checked it at home and it was 150/94- still high. This is after the Catapres they gave him at the hospital...

Dr. B thinks it is a combination of things, stress, not working out as much due to his back injury and possibly genetics. So Jeff is convinced that it is because he can't get out and exercise as much now that he is home with Soren so much. I am going to try and find something for Soren to do more often so Jeff can have some time to reconnect to Nature- that will reduce his stress and provide exercise for him. I know that he has been depressed since his back injury. He has lost 16 lbs. I told him today that he signed a contract that CLEARLY states that he cannot die before I do. What the hell is he doing at 35 having high blood pressure?! This was not part of our plan.

I know he will be fine but I feel so bad for him. He doesn't want to take medication or have to watch what he eats. We don't even use salt.


Then Veda comes home today from school with a book she has written. It is called "My Dad(s)" On the cover it has a picture of a car. Page 2- "My dad I never nuw al thoor my livef." There is a picture of Veda with tears running down her face. Page 3- "He got hit by a car." A picture of Tad lying on the road with X's on his eyes and a flat line across his head. Page 4- My only dad atill I was threre." A picture of Jeff and Veda both saying "Hi". Page 5- "A rill story. About my dad." Picture of a broken heart.

What the f**k am I supposed to do for her. I hate Tad for just dying and leaving me, and Jeff, to help Veda figure out how to grieve for him.

Sorry about the uplifting post.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Not sure what to make of this...

So we had a slumber party last night. Veda has wanted to sleep with us for a long time so we decided last night to put in Harry Potter and all sleep in our big bed. So in the middle of the night this is the conversation that takes place.... (and just think of my with a squeaky voice as it has left me for a few days now)


"Yes Boo."

"I love you."

"I love you too Boo."


"Yes Ved, it's still time to sleep.."

"I have the best mom.... right now."


More Silence

"Um- thanks...."

Then we drift back to sleep. Well, I laid there for a bit thinking "who do have to compete with in the future? Is she planning on killing me off and getting a new mom? Is this about a potential mother in law?" Needless to say I was awake for awhile thinking on this. I though it was kind of odd that she would add the qualifier "right now".

So has his second tooth coming in. He is eating like a hippo. My friend CB said she thinks it's funny that Soren is advanced with everything to do with food. She's right... the straw.

We are making my grandmother's recipe for cinnamon rolls today. We go for our holiday celebration with Tad's family tomorrow so I though I would take those. And Veda is making me decorate today. I have been not wanting to just because I am tired.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Sitting Handsome

Aren't they so cute together? If you look really close you can see his crooked tooth. (Not really...)

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Teeth and Sata

We have a tooth!! And we are sitting- well I won't totally leave him alone but this is progress! I think he still has a bit of the lazies... not crawling yet. I think Veda was 8 months when she started crawling. Things are good.

V has her Santa letter already at the fireplace...
"Dear Sata how are you doing? I allredy have lats of toys if you run owt of pezins you can give the pepoll with no toys toys. Love Veda. P.S. Can i have a idey bity baby Amaracin gill doll. do you like chock chep cookis. what do you do the rest of the yery. can you grant whithis? P.S. if you do can you mack me have whing's. i whant to now how mach ilfs do you have? what are there names. love veda sata clas"

I just love her...

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Long time...

Sorry it's been awhile. I forget to get to this... Well, So went on his first ER trip today. Both he and Veda are sick. Pretty sick. Veda is puking and pooping while so is congested and has a high fever. He was pretty much up all night. And when he did sleep- I was holding Veda's hair as she puked in the trash can. Needless to say I am tired. Very tired.

I am going to stay home tomorrow and try and get the boy up and healthy again.

He says "Da Da" now. And he is pulling his legs up under himself. I have to admit the boy is lazy. He wants you to move him. But it is coming. He eats A LOT. Weighing in at 20 lbs- we have had to switch car seats already.

Veda is doing well. Still loving piano. We had conferences for her last week and only got wonderful reports. Reading like a wild woman.

Everything else is good. Still working on staying healthy. I need to keep up with exercise. By the time I get home from work I am ready for bed. Where my parents like this? I remember them staying awake- at least my mom. Jeff and I were in bed at 8:30 on Saturday. Losers!!

I will try to stay more current here.